im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Do vagina's smell?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
