I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
