Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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