you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
