I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
