y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
