Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
