Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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