I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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