My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
