can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
