I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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