Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
