It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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