Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
