My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
