I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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