Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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