she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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