i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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