I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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