got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We are two peas in an std pod
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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