she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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