why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
