I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize