the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
