Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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