Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
