Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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