I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
try to milk me bitch
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