I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
