John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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