dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
