i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
