Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
