when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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