my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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