she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Of course I have a pirate flag
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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