Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
