he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
