She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
