when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
