Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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