this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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