You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
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I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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