I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
