By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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