I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
