I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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