I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
