if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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