I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
