dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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You insisted on take shots off of plates.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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