I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
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I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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