Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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