I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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