it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
