I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
