i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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