It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
