did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
